The Crazy in Crazy Love

It's true. That's it. That's what is Crazy about the things Francis Chan is writing of in his book Crazy Love.

A little while back, I  felt this urge to work with the high school  youth in our church. I thought God was nuts with this kind of move in ministry.

I was teaching preschool Sunday School (coteaching, actually, with my dear friend "the other Danielle") and knew it was time to move out of that role. I struggled with the thought of working with youth.

I have  a lot of random weird but very real experiences that I  can share with them, but would they be open to receiving that?

I'm participating in a study with  our senior leadership team & we are doing Crazy Love. 

I was reading it tonight and doing some workbook work. I grabbed my bible to open & read a set of verses before answering a set of questions about my love for God.

There's a sticky note in my bible with 3 questions. 3 questions meant to make you pause, reflect, and give the opportunity  to break a habit of focusing on outward appearance but instead spend some extra time with God.

It was seeing this note that hit me like a punch to the gut.

The things that have happened in my own life in the past 2 months, have been a real testimony  to each of the lessons we have assisted in teaching our youth, as well as lined up with the bible studies I have worked through  in the last 2 months.

I dont say this as an open invitation  to debate free will. I say this in as serious a tone as it deserves. 

I have no choice but to go all in and work for God's will while focusing on my love for Him, if I  want to survive this life.

In the weeks following the appearance lesson that put the 3 questions boldly in my bible on purple paper,  I  was diagnosed with a rare, debilitating,  nerve disease. 

I went from saying "I feel pressure to be deessed well, hair & makeup entirely  done, especially  when I come to church for fear that  I will be judged on how well I care for a large family" to not being able to even put on makeup without risk of extreme pain in my face. The pain, so severe  that  I  just  don't even try 80% of the time, for the fear of that hurt.

I  have  no choice but to  love God, to seek him in all I do regardless of the world.  With a disease where something like 50% take their own lives within the first 3 years of diagnosis because the pain isn't taken care of. 

I  don't want to be part of that statistic, I don't want my children to go without their mom,  while they are still only babies themselves. 

The relations I can make right  now in this study, are surprising to me. It's all or nothing when loving for God, and while I am not perfect, I am focused and purposefully changing my life to try because  I  so desperately need Him to save me.