Saying goodbye bites.

See all the smiles in that picture of a family with their favorite 2 horses?
The eyes of all the kids you see are full of flowing tears tonight.
I can't stop crying myself.

Saying goodbye to a horse you have grown up with, a horse you learned to ride with and then your kids did as well.....how do you even do that?  I guess we'll find out on Saturday. I'm taking the kids to say their final goodbyes to our dear Lady early that morning & she'll be put down on Monday.

I am so grateful that our photographer snuck in some shots during family photos that will forever be held near & dear.

Please say a prayer for my mom, as it is her horse we are parting with, and our family as we lose one of our "babies." It's going to be a really hard end to the year.

Bah-humbug ;-)

It doesn't  *feel* like Christmas. It's cold but muddy out, no snow or ice on the ground. We have been so focused on surviving the latest crisis that there was no pre-planning for gifts & such, and thus none of the planned projects got done.

Christmas was small for us. We barely left the house except to meet with my parents & grandpa and my husband's parents. The kids were spoiled beyond our imaginations as usual, by friends, family & their one "special" gift from us.

But I have totally not been feeling it at all. Monster's still sick. I am sick now. CoCo's sick. My rare day off tomorrow will likely consist of begging grandma to come play with the older kids so the rest of us can go to the doctor all day long.

This morning changed my mood. The big kids always spend Christmas Eve with us, and Christmas Day with their dad. On the drive over this morning, I listened to them discussing the true meaning of Christmas......not presents, but the birth of Christ, and showing love, and being with family.

2 of them talking about wanting to be baptized and the reasons for doing so.

Let me just say, that is the fastest thing that could snap ya outta a scrooge mood! I'm so proud of my babies. Their hearts are full of God and they live for sharing that love.

This may have been the hardest month we have had in a long time, but hearing that discussion between them....that was worth everything we have battled. <3

I've likely lost control

I am a control freak. Those that know me well, know this is a complete fault I carry and that I don't even recognize my need to be in control until things change....then BAM! I'm a wreck.

So Mason's diagnosis of life threatening food allergies was so interesting as a part of my life. It meant I get to be crazy, overbearing, way too in the know of anything and everything food wise that he has, that is in our house, that the grandparents are giving him, that the complete strangers he walked into school with had on their grimey little child sized didn't wash after breakfast hands.....

I got to throw my OCD tendencies into keeping him alive. They were able to be used for a slightly annoying to some, but overall good thing.

And then we had last week....3 reactions to the unknown.

I beat myself up with every single reaction. What did I have hidden for my own late night snacks? What did the older kids or daycare kids bring that I didn't catch in time? What was left out that he could touch? What did I mess up in preparing meals??

But I never found an answer. None of the reactions were even at a meal or snack time. Not even within a half hour of food.

All of the reactions were in our house, but none in the same room. (And yes, of course they were all in my house.....we are practically hermits because I don't like the holiday added stress to leaving the house with him and no control over the treats)

I was silently killing myself over what I didn't properly control that caused me to see my child quit responding to our questions in the ambulance.

I thought that was awful enough. I spoke to his allergist on Monday, and on Tuesday they called me back again.

What they suggested has torn me apart this week & I am trying to hold onto the idea that it's just suggestions and confirmation testing won't take place for a couple of weeks....

There's a chance (actually a good chance) that the reactions have expanded from the known allergens....that it's not even an allergy issue anymore.

They will be testing him for some auto immune disorders.

What this means, if they are correct is that I no longer have any control. The reactions can happen to him getting a viral infection (which we think is what happened last week.) I cannot possibly stop him from getting the common cold, or the flu bug while allowing him to live a "normal" life.

How does one deal with losing all control in a situation where they had it mostly figured out & into a working system?? I'm not sure. I mean, I'm praying about it, but never knowing when he will go into a serious reaction, and not being able to prevent it.....it's scary to think about, it was scary enough last week.....

It sucks when something comes along and disrupts the peace you had made :(

Life update - Mason specific

I decided it was easier to update life on here than in a Facebook status....and realized I haven't posted in exactly 4 months over here! That's a long time to be missing out on journaling "therapy." (All my writing friends will know exactly what I'm saying there!)





In a nutshell, life has thrown some crazy things at us all in the span of just a few weeks.


Allegations that I'm not a fit mother to my oldest 3 children. Which really only warranted a laugh in response....and a big check to my attorney so I don't even have to think about it.


Car repairs to my car. Brakes are pretty important things!


The water heater burst....a few hours after my husband left for Nashville, TN. When I was home alone to work & care for our 5 children alone all week. I am generally able to fend for myself, and do small fix-its around the house with no issue. This one sent me straight to tears & calling my mommy for help. I couldn't get the water valve to shut, couldn't get the gas off...it was just rough. We bought a new water heater that evening, just to get it home & find it was a smidge too tall & we couldn't adjust for the height increase, so had to load it up & exchange it for (of course) a far more expensive "short" one. Got it all fixed up, the next night & could shower again. Thank goodness. OH! And I won't forget to credit the dear Lord in this. The water heater bursting was actually a blessing in disguise, as some would say. The gas lines to the old water heater were barely connected & it was rather amazing that we hadn't had a major gas leak in our house thus far!

Oh....before I get into the real big stuff, let my jump ahead & tell that Dustin's truck wouldn't start Friday night, and so it was left at the hospital overnight......Fixed that on Saturday tho!

And then there is Mason. God is the only one who can understand when I say that boy makes me age way before my time.

Last Monday he broke out in hives, I gave Benadryl. Daddy got home fro work about 20 minutes later & the hives were spreading. We used the Auvi-Q (a nifty little talking epi-pen) and did our routine 911 call & ER trip via ambulance.

Although, when I say routine, it sounds far more simple than it is. It really is a big ordeal. We get the city police, we get fire trucks & a house full of our town's volunteer firefighter/first responders, and some of their vehicles too because it's quicker for some to just stop rather than go to the firestation first. ;-)

Then the ambulance gets here later, after coming from the next town over.  It's just overwhelming, and pure craziness.

Anyhow, got to the ER Monday night, meds & observation for a bit & discharged home with more prescriptions.

Thursday evening, he broke out in hives again. Benadryl ended them quickly.

Friday morning hives again. Benadryl did nothing. They spread all over his body in a matter of minutes, so we used the Auvi-Q again. And called 911. Again. This time was a bit worse tho. The ambulance tried getting an IV in him & couldn't. They did nebulizer treatments on the ride to the hospital. We got stuck by a train on the trip to the hospital. (This is my newest reason for moving out of this town, closer ambulance & we can find a place that won't get blocked off my trains!)
The time spent in the ER this time was harder for Mason & they decided to admit & continue stronger IV medications for 1-2 days.

The hospital had to re-open the pediatrics floor just for my monster. It was a good thing tho, that he wasn't sharing space. A 3 year old on that many steroids is just plain crazy. And he was able to be loud, and bounce down the hallways to release that energy & not have to worry about offending anyone. 




They wanted to keep him again overnight. They were worried about us not knowing the cause of the reactions. And the chances of him ending back there anyhow today because of that.

Mason convinced them to let him go home so he could spend the night at his grandma & grandpas tho :-)



How is Mason??

That's such a hard question for me to answer. He's alive, he's no longer dealing with an immediate fear of life threatening reactions, he is out of the hospital. In that regards, he is OK.
But the honest truth is he is a 3 year old jacked up on an insane amount of steroids. He is hyper & moody & still battling symptoms from the reaction (wheezing, digestive stuff).
We still don't know the cause of the past week's reactions. It could very well be something inside our house, or it could be a sign of an autoimmune disorder & the way his body is reacting to a viral infection. We are on a constant stress knowing that at any moment it can all happen again, and we don't know how soon, if ever, we will get answers to what's going on with his little body.

He is exhausted, I'm exhausted, we all are exhausted. The number of medications this child is receiving right now is just unreal.

We go back to his primary doctor tomorrow as soon as she can get us in, and we will get in touch with (and possibly go to) his specialists in St Louis tomorrow as well.

It's a waiting game right now, with no end in sight.


We have had some angels amongst our family, friends & neighbors tho. I cannot say Thanks enough to everyone that has helped, or offered to help in the last few days. God places people in our lives at a time when we can use their kind hearts, that's for sure!!