I've likely lost control

I am a control freak. Those that know me well, know this is a complete fault I carry and that I don't even recognize my need to be in control until things change....then BAM! I'm a wreck.

So Mason's diagnosis of life threatening food allergies was so interesting as a part of my life. It meant I get to be crazy, overbearing, way too in the know of anything and everything food wise that he has, that is in our house, that the grandparents are giving him, that the complete strangers he walked into school with had on their grimey little child sized didn't wash after breakfast hands.....

I got to throw my OCD tendencies into keeping him alive. They were able to be used for a slightly annoying to some, but overall good thing.

And then we had last week....3 reactions to the unknown.

I beat myself up with every single reaction. What did I have hidden for my own late night snacks? What did the older kids or daycare kids bring that I didn't catch in time? What was left out that he could touch? What did I mess up in preparing meals??

But I never found an answer. None of the reactions were even at a meal or snack time. Not even within a half hour of food.

All of the reactions were in our house, but none in the same room. (And yes, of course they were all in my house.....we are practically hermits because I don't like the holiday added stress to leaving the house with him and no control over the treats)

I was silently killing myself over what I didn't properly control that caused me to see my child quit responding to our questions in the ambulance.

I thought that was awful enough. I spoke to his allergist on Monday, and on Tuesday they called me back again.

What they suggested has torn me apart this week & I am trying to hold onto the idea that it's just suggestions and confirmation testing won't take place for a couple of weeks....

There's a chance (actually a good chance) that the reactions have expanded from the known allergens....that it's not even an allergy issue anymore.

They will be testing him for some auto immune disorders.

What this means, if they are correct is that I no longer have any control. The reactions can happen to him getting a viral infection (which we think is what happened last week.) I cannot possibly stop him from getting the common cold, or the flu bug while allowing him to live a "normal" life.

How does one deal with losing all control in a situation where they had it mostly figured out & into a working system?? I'm not sure. I mean, I'm praying about it, but never knowing when he will go into a serious reaction, and not being able to prevent it.....it's scary to think about, it was scary enough last week.....

It sucks when something comes along and disrupts the peace you had made :(