Struggles in Faith.

Rarely do I change the radio station in my car anymore. It's generally on the same country station day in & day out. 

In the past 6 months, we have dealt with with watching our son have life threatening reactions, seeing the neighbors child be taken away in the same ambulances he is, never to return home, amongst many other major life stressors.

In the midst of that, I started to fall from my faith. I was angry that we had to fight so hard to keep our son alive daily & others were taking for granted the healthy children they were blessed with.  I was questioning where God was, why there was no relief from the hits we were taking. 

And then, one day alone in the car I changed the station. A top 40's station, and this song was on. I know it's typically as a "love" song, of a broken heart. And for me, it is about a broken heart. It summed up my feelings of where I was with God at that moment quite well actually.....and it's just a beautiful song.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

I have played this song over & over. I cried, and cried. I screamed out loud & I yelled at God for an answer, for a break.

A few days later, I got a text from my mom. She was visiting my grandmother, and in the texts about their conversations were references to JC and grandma's first name basis talks with him. (That's Jesus Christ, for the non-hip crowd. Don't feel bad, we had to ask too. Haha)
Later that day, I had a random phone call from a former daycare family's mom. When we were talking about a couple of similar issues we were each facing, she said we should put it in God's hands & let him sort it out.

That's when it hit me. That's when I realized that even though I KNEW He fights the battles for me, I wasn't letting Him do His part. I was stressed, hurt and feeling really down. I handed it over to Him soon after. 

Life didn't instantly get perfect, in fact I've been hit with more to deal with in the last couple of weeks. Things that previously could have drug me down so deeply, I would have drowned. But it's not been a problem. I am at peace, I am relaxed and I am finding my happy back. I know that the people who are trying to hurt me will continue in their attempts to attack, but no longer will it hurt. No longer will they have a chance. Just as it has this time around, it will be taken care of by the One who loves me most, the One Father who has offered to be with all of us, offered to fight our battles & carry our burdens....we just have to hand them over to him to deal with.