Ugh.

I'm not really even sure that I want to post all of this, but I'm struggling today with this & talking to my closest friends hasn't helped me work it out so perhaps writing it out will make some of it straight.

The last few weeks have been hard around here. Kids have been sick, I haven't felt well myself, Dustin has been back to work so I'm on my own all week, P's gymnastics class has changed & karate started back up.  For someone who thrives on routine, it's been rough.

As most of my friends/family know, Monster was diagnosed @ 6 months with multiple food allergies. For the last (almost) 2 years, we have altered his diet & worked hard to eliminate those things to keep him safe.

His allergist at St Louis Children's has been an angel for us. We started seeing her this past winter & she has been a great sounding board full of advice.

I will never forget the first appointment with her, she was very quick to correct me everytime I said "if" when referring to using the epi pen & calling 911. She nonchalantly made it clear that it wasn't about if it would happen, it was when it will happen. He is too young to understand, he has siblings who aren't dairy free & friends & family & whatnot....things are going to happen.

Up until last night, I was able to handle the "when" frame of mind. We have used the epi pen a couple of times & had multiple ER visits & a few ambulance rides. 911 is no longer scary to call, but a great tool to keeping him alive.

Last night, we were late getting to bed. I was exhausted, the kids were exhausted & we were on autopilot. Monster was the last one up, and I needed to get him his milk before bed. I opened the fridge and poured him a cup & tried handing it to him. He had a small meltdown & it took me a few seconds to register what he was trying to say. I had poured the wrong milk. I had given him a cup full of cow's milk instead of soy milk.

I am thankful that he is learning. I am thankful that we have guardian angels helping us out. Monster could have died last night from that cup of milk. If he would have taken it from me, he would have been drinking it in his bed & I would never have seen/heard a reaction.

I am so very angry with myself that I about made a huge mistake, one that could have ended Monster's life.

Even though things were fine, and he was able to tell me, I have been upset about the what if's all day and I am now terrified that it could happen somewhere I am not at & people won't understand why he is stopping them.

It's not fair that kids this young have to deal with these issues. It's just not friggin fair & it's scary as a parent that has to deal with them.