Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Crazy in Crazy Love

It's true. That's it. That's what is Crazy about the things Francis Chan is writing of in his book Crazy Love.

A little while back, I  felt this urge to work with the high school  youth in our church. I thought God was nuts with this kind of move in ministry.

I was teaching preschool Sunday School (coteaching, actually, with my dear friend "the other Danielle") and knew it was time to move out of that role. I struggled with the thought of working with youth.

I have  a lot of random weird but very real experiences that I  can share with them, but would they be open to receiving that?

I'm participating in a study with  our senior leadership team & we are doing Crazy Love

I was reading it tonight and doing some workbook work. I grabbed my bible to open & read a set of verses before answering a set of questions about my love for God.

There's a sticky note in my bible with 3 questions. 3 questions meant to make you pause, reflect, and give the opportunity  to break a habit of focusing on outward appearance but instead spend some extra time with God.

It was seeing this note that hit me like a punch to the gut.

The things that have happened in my own life in the past 2 months, have been a real testimony  to each of the lessons we have assisted in teaching our youth, as well as lined up with the bible studies I have worked through  in the last 2 months.

I dont say this as an open invitation  to debate free will. I say this in as serious a tone as it deserves. 

I have no choice but to go all in and work for God's will while focusing on my love for Him, if I  want to survive this life.

In the weeks following the appearance lesson that put the 3 questions boldly in my bible on purple paper,  I  was diagnosed with a rare, debilitating,  nerve disease. 

I went from saying "I feel pressure to be deessed well, hair & makeup entirely  done, especially  when I come to church for fear that  I will be judged on how well I care for a large family" to not being able to even put on makeup without risk of extreme pain in my face. The pain, so severe  that  I  just  don't even try 80% of the time, for the fear of that hurt.

I  have  no choice but to  love God, to seek him in all I do regardless of the world.  With a disease where something like 50% take their own lives within the first 3 years of diagnosis because the pain isn't taken care of. 

I  don't want to be part of that statistic, I don't want my children to go without their mom,  while they are still only babies themselves. 

The relations I can make right  now in this study, are surprising to me. It's all or nothing when loving for God, and while I am not perfect, I am focused and purposefully changing my life to try because  I  so desperately need Him to save me.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Doubt

At the beginning  of this year, I set several goals for myself. 

One of top priority  was "getting right with God"

Not that I was ever in bad with Him, but I wanted to knowingly work harder in growing closer to Him & living for Him.

I committed  to God that even through the bad seasons, I would still work on growing closer & sharing his love. I made that commitment  before these past 2 weeks happened.

While I screamed out to Him in my car last week that I needed him and couldn't deal with more myself, then came home that very day, literally  5 minutes later to more bad news I was crushed.

Life is hard, and we get attacked the most when we are trying the hardest to have faith.

I did question things, I did get emotional  about things, but I refused to let it interrupt.  I still continued on with my short daily scripture readings & still cried out in prayer - very much crying thru the entirety. 

My heart has been torn apart. Physically  I am dealing with the most pain I have ever felt. Mentally I am carrying loads of weight that shouldn't  be.

We live in a broken world & if I had never stuck it out, kept with my faith even when I was questioning,  I wouldn't  have found what I just did this morning.

I am normal. It's not weird or wrong or whatever that I had my doubts these past 2 weeks.

Since I had about  an hour of time alone before my next doctor  appointment,  I decided to dive into the bible. I randomly opened it, read a little, turned some pages & read some more.

I read a story on healing that Jesus did & it made my heart ache that he isn't here on Earth to heal us now. But it made me turn to the glossary  in the back of my bible & while flipping  pages there,  not even sure of what I was searching for, I found an amazing print that sparks hope.

Very well known people in our God's word have had doubts as well. They were never 100% perfect in their confidence of faith. And God used them for amazing things. Commandments....Apostles...Baptisms!!

It's ok to have questions, as long as you take them to God & let him share his answers with you.

It's normal to have questions,  we on Earth are not capable of seeing the big picture of His plan.

But He will use those who stick with Him through the times they don't understand. And He will use them in great ways.

It definitely  motivates me to keep in the Word, in prayer, in fellowship with my strong Christian  friends.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Abandoned

Funny. I titled this blog post well over a week ago & never wrote a single word.

I stil know exactly what my thoughts were when I  started it though. 

That same night, I text my mentor. A lady from a mom's group put together by a local church.

I told her that I felt like God had abandoned me.

This past week has been an emotional  roller coaster.  I did feel abandoned & even unloved by the one who was supposed  to be there for every  hard part of my life.

And then a day later, I was seeing His signs and making sense of his plans and I  was at peace with all the bad news I was facing. 

Now I sit in am exam room, alone. In silence. Awaiting confirmation  on a blood draw saying there is nothing wrong with me infection  wise, but rather we need to treat & see if it's an awful nerve issue that has been coined as the suicide disease.

Talk about feeling abandoned! I thought it was bad last week?!

Honestly, I don't even feel abandoned  at this point but I am terrified! Absolutely  positively  afraid. 

I need prayers, please. It's going to be a long night and there's another appointment  in the morning and I am exhausted and the pain is crazy and I  just want to stop feeling like half my face is broken :(